Reporting change like a boss in Task 2

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November 29, 2016

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

Error It’s ok, but we can improve Good to go

Original	Rewrite
There are plenty examples of valid role models which lead young generations in their views, the one of them is professional athletes. As a first approximation, it could be an obvious question, there are strong debates arising between who support or oppose this point. In the essay, I will explore both opinions, before drawing my own.	There are numerous examples of valid role models which lead young generations in their views, one being professional athletes. Although, at first glance/appearance, this could seem an obvious statement, there are strong debates arising between both sides. In this essay, I will explore both opinions, before drawing my conclusion.
Since the ancient times, sports have been the path to success for many young boys and girls, giving them glory, respect and social status. Today's athletes are still the icon of power and great capabilities, motivating juniors to be equal to them. Athletes inspired many children with their attitude, demonstrating this, I can mention Lance Armstrong who leaded with his example of overcoming the impossible, beating cancer and setting new world records. This case shows the reason why many parents believe that the sportsman might be a decent pattern for their children.	Since ancient times, sports have been the path to success for many young people, giving them glory, respect and social status. Today's athletes are still icons/symbols of power and great capabilities, motivating the young generation to follow in their footsteps. Athletes have inspired many children with their attitude. To demonstrating this, I can mention Lance Armstrong who led with his example of overcoming the impossible, beating cancer and setting new world records. This case shows the reason why many parents believe that athletes might be appropriate role models for their children.
The flip side of the coin is a growing number of people who are aware of the sport's way of life with its luxury addiction, a drug-using, and a disrespect to others. With a spreading power of mass media and the Internet, it became obvious that many athletes might not be a valid model as many thought. Recent scandals around sportsman's money and the use of doping showed what is the inside of this life-path, striking the well-formed reputation of athletes. As the result, these events changed minds of numerous people.	The flip side of the coin is a growing number of people who are aware of the way of life which sport requires with its addictions to luxury, drug-use, and disrespect for others. With the rising power of mass media and the Internet, it has become obvious that many athletes may not be the role models we believed them to be. Recent scandals surrounding astronomical salaries and the use of doping have showed the inner world of this life, impacting/damaging the well-established reputation of athletes. As a result, these events have changed the minds of numerous people.
In conclusion, while this role model has both positive and negative sides, I believe that athletes might be an excellent example for young generation in their way of realising their opportunities. Instead of arguing against sportsman's drawbacks, the role of parents and community is to support positive arguments, trying to prevent negative outcome.	In conclusion, while this type of role model has both positive and negative aspects, I believe that athletes are still an excellent example for young generations in their approach to realising their opportunities. Instead of arguing against the drawbacks, the role of parents and community should be to support positive arguments, to prevent negative outcomes.

Band score

Task ResponseR
Coherence and Cohesion	Don’t miss opportunities to use while/although Although, at first glance/appearance, this could seem an obvious statement, there are strong debates arising between both sides. In this essay, I will explore both opinions, before drawing my conclusion.
Lexical Resource	Plenty (of something) . Uncountable & Countable. It’s about resources, it means we have more than enough). Numerous. Countable. Means many. Several . Countable. Means a few. Valid = (passports, certificates, stamps) - still good! Justifiable = (reason, argument, action) - we can argue that it’s good. Respected (person) we respect them At first glance, = on first appearance, (when we first look at something, this is what we see.
Grammar Response	Missing opportunities to use present perfect to talk about change : E.g - have showed the inner world With the rising power of mass media and the Internet, it has become obvious As a result, these events have changed the minds of Ethical positions: Don’t forget to use should to say what is right or wrong. Don’t just say things exist.